JAUNTY ANNOUNCER:
Live from GOLD SKULLA—presented by the fine folks at GOLD SKULLA—It’s your zine Half-Time Report with Shane Cordwainer and Corey Cumanes.
CORDWAINER:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the GOLD SKULLA Half-Time Report. Let’s get the ball rolling with tonight’s game. The Celtics went into the game leading the series 3-2, and they were off to a hot start tonight. First sixty seconds of the game—Blake to Peters! PICK AND ROLL!
CUMANES:
Pick a roll? I’d rather have a croissant.
CORDWAINER:
(Chuckles) Speaking of culinary delights, Peters had eight turnovers in the first half, and I’ll tell you what—when I heard that, I was sure surprised. I can usually only handle two or three.
CUMANES:
Apple or cherry?
CORDWAINER:
I don’t discriminate.
CUMANES:
I’ll tell you who else doesn’t discriminate. This guy doesn’t care who you are—He’s gonna shut ya down. Number one in blocks this season, Guardjia with eleven MONSTER blocks in the first half.
CORDWAINER:
Is that how you say his name? I always thought it was Gardenia……Ya know, you hear about these players from all over the world leaving their native countries to play basketball in America, but the last time I played a broad, the bitch just left me.
CUMANES:
Ho-hooo. Moving on. Earlier tonight in Denver, Marcus Hubbs was seen back in action after spending the last couple nights in jail after an altercation with a fan….Guess he’s outta jail, but back in court.
CORDWAINER:
Haha, too true! But, ya know this story really has a silver lining because apparently while incarcerated, Hubbs came up with a name for his new cologne line, which will be on department store shelves this fall. Fragrant Foul.
CUMANES:
That name stinks.
CORDWAINER:
You know what else stinks? Being Saunder Milkhouse in tonight’s game against the Pacers. Pibs Fin—a rookie—comes in with everything he’s got, knifing down the lane! BOOM! Charging foul on Fin and Milkhouse is laid flat. The team rushes over and a few paramedics check him out, and they said he’s gonna be just fine.
CUMANES:
He looked pretty confused after that collision, though, Shane.
CORDWAINER:
And now it’s our turn to look confused, Corey. It’s time for the GOLD SKULLA Half-Time Pop Quiz. This stumper sent in by Bulls head coach Monty Peaches. “Why are basketballs round?” We’ll give you all at home a little time to mull that one over……
(Lights dim. CORDWAINER and CUMANES interact quietly)
Alright. “Why are basketballs round?” Corey?
CUMANES:
Well, this one dates back to 1892 when the innovators of the sport found it frustrating to make baskets with a square ball.
CORDWAINER:
(Long pause) Intriguing. The Bulls and the Magic have finally reached a trade deal for Tongpu Fichubski. Fichubski—who will be wearing Magic colors next week against Miami—was welcomed with open arms when he visited Orlando last week. Fichubski’s new teammate Gordon Grum was at the press conference heard telling reporters, “We gon’ sign his ass!”
CUMANES:
Boy, you gotta be careful when someone says that. I once knew a guy that got told that, and he spent the next two seasons bent over on the sidelines.
CORDWAINER:
Seriously?
CUMANES:
No. It was a joke.
CORDWAINER:
That’s why I’m saying “seriously?”. That’s your joke? Your humor’s comin’ up short.
CUMANES:
Ouch. You know who else came up short this evening? In the biggest news of the night! A neck and neck game between the Lakers and Sonics. 91-94—the Lakers trailing with 4 seconds on the clock. Lakers’ ball and they need a three. Bolon Shivz is passed the rock in what he thinks is three territory. He sinks it, but the ref calls it a two-pointer. The Lakers coach demands they review the tape, and after assessment, it stands that Shivz was just barely inside the line. The shot remains two points. Sonics win 94-93.
CORDWAINER:
You know what they call those quick little basketball films, right?...Basketball shorts.
CUMANES:
(Laughing) Somebody, get this guy a mouthguard. Anyway, we gotta get outta here. That’s all for your GOLD SKULLA Half-Time Report. I’m Corey Cumanes.
CORDWAINER:
And, I’m Shane Cordwainer. We’ll see you after the game..
(Lights dim. CORDWAINER and CUMANES interact quietly. CUMANES reaches over with a pen and draws a smiley face on CORDWAINER’s hand.)
END.
